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When my children misbehave, my husband reacts by yelling while I respond with calm explanations. Which technique is more effective?

By on July 17, 2018

Current research indicates that if your desired goal is to change your children’s misbehavior, both of these approaches are largely ineffective.

Explanations alone don’t suffice.
If you have ever tried to stop smoking, for example, you know that understanding the ill effects of the habit does not immediately result in changed behavior.
In the book Parenting Your Defiant Child, Alan Kazdin, author, director of the Yale Child Study Center and president of the American Psychological Association, gives the following steps to change behavior:

Choose a specific desired behavior:

Change your thinking from “I want my child to stop hitting,” to its positive opposite, “I want my child to use words to express his anger.”

Tell your child specifically what you would like him to do in response to triggers:

“When you get mad at your sister, I want you to use words, tell me about it, or just get away from her.”

Praise:

Whenever you see the child doing something that’s a step in the right direction, praise it in specific, effusive terms. “You were angry at your sister, but you just used words. You didn’t hit, and that’s awesome!”

Practice:

During a peaceful moment, practice by playing. Tell your child, “Let’s see whether you can stay calm and just use words when I say no to you. I’m going to say no—remember, this is just pretend—and you stay calm, OK?”

Consistency:

A brief but intensive period with reinforced practice, often between two to four weeks, can make long-lasting changes in a child’s behavior.

Explanation:

Calm explanation, combined with the above practices, has been proven to speed up the acquisition of good behavior.

 

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About Elizabeth Spalter Iino