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P.E.T.: Parent effectiveness training

By on October 1, 2008

“I feel so much more in control of my own self and behavior as a parent. I feel that I have strategies for dealing with conflict.”

“I feel relieved to learn more skills that I was not able to invent or find. I feel hope about the quality of my relationships in general.”

“I think the program teaches useful tools for communication and also effective parenting skills. I would recommend every parent take this course.”

This is just a taste of some of the comments from participants of the Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) Courses run by Pam Noda, a woman of many talents, who, besides being a certified Family Effectiveness Training Instructor, Speaking Circles® facilitator, and a relationship coach, is also a long term resident of Tokyo and mother of two.

None of us have the ‘perfect family’, and Pam is quick to point out that P.E.T. is not going to miraculously turn your bitter pill into ‘a sugar-coated happy thing’ to be easily swallowed three times a day before conflict. To her, the course is about “getting clear on who you are as a parent. Finding your philosophy, and being given the tools to do this with.” And in the safe and supportive environment that Pam creates within each P.E.T. session, parents are given these “tools” and their manual, through a combination of theory, self-assessment, discussion, and hands-on experience with the communication skills learned. Homework is, of course, to try out at home!

During the 24-hour course (held over 6 sessions), I learned the importance of communicating clearly and honestly with both my daughter and my husband. In short, ‘being real’. There was no role for me to take on, no ‘good mother’ image to live up to. (Phew, what a relief!) Far from learning how to ‘fix my kid’, it was as much about ‘fixing me’ or rather fixing the ways in which I had previously dealt unsuccessfully with getting my own needs met as well as the rest of the family’s, and learning new ways to solve problems and conflicts without the need for a triumphant winner and equally sore loser.

I discovered all about ‘roadblocks’, a term used to describe the classic ways in which we attempt to help our children with their problems, but in actual fact end up doing quite the reverse. These range from the rather obvious ‘ordering’, ‘threatening’, and ‘judging’, to the more subtle, and perhaps harder to acknowledge ‘persuading with logic’, ‘giving solutions’, and ‘analyzing’. I realized that in my haste to ‘make everything okay’, I would search frantically for solutions to my daughter’s problems without giving her a chance to come up with her own ideas. Once handed the tool of ‘active listening’, I was able to realize that with a bit of time and space for my daughter, and a patient and understanding ear from me, she was perfectly capable of finding a solution for herself. It certainly took the pressure off me, and allowed her to gain confidence in her own abilities. Definitely a win-win situation there.

Getting my message across to my daughter, when her behavior was unacceptable to me, was probably the toughest hurdle to jump. I am an avid user of the ‘you-message’, as in “you’re being too noisy,” “look at the mess you’ve made,” and my favorite tag-line, “…because of you.” It took some time for me to get my head around the ‘I-message’. An example would be something like this: “When you interrupt me while I’m working on the computer, it takes me longer to finish, which wastes time and is frustrating.” It certainly didn’t trip off my tongue quite so easily as the “you’re not letting me get on with my work” in the beginning. But it was a tool I was determined to get to grips with, as it helped me to identify what it was that was really bothering me, why it was bothering me, and allow my daughter to figure out for herself a way to help me get some relief without having to attend to any hurt feelings as a result of blaming or labeling my daughter’s behavior.

Of course there is no magic wand, and the skills learned in P.E.T. need constant practice and fine-tuning; but I, for one, feel much more confident as a parent with these tools in my parenting box.

Founded by Dr. Thomas Gordon in 1962, more than a million people in over 40 countries have participated in P.E.T. courses. Pam herself took the course in 1992.  Luckily for us, she took it one step further by going on to become a trainer, and is now in her fourth year of conducting the course.

P.E.T AUTUMN COURSES:

Wednesdays: (9:30am-1:30pm) From October 1st (6 sessions);

Saturdays: (10am-5pm)

From October 18th (4 sessions)

Contact Pam at:

pamnoda@wta.att.ne.jp

Tel: 0422-49-6404

www.pamnoda.com

 

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