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Sensitive kids

By on November 29, 2010
Photos © Elena Derevtsova
 
Three-year-old Emily stands at the top of the slide. “I don’t want to, ” she whimpers.   Kate, four, hates spinach – not the taste, but the sound it makes when she chews.  James, six: “Are you feeling angry, Mommy?”  Eleven-year-old Isobel sobs on the way home from a sleepover, “rejected” by her best friend. Two-year-old George insists that his socks are adjusted for the fifth time because they “tickle”.
 
If you relate to any of the scenarios above, then you might have a sensitive kid – a Child who hates noisy environments and itchy clothing, one who is unusually ‘tuned-in’ to emotions: a child who is just a little bit different from his or her peers.  But what does it mean to be “sensitive”?  And what does it mean to parent a sensitive child?

Psychologists believe that sensitivity is a normal variation of human temperament. Research suggests that sensitive people process their world differently; they are born with a tendency to notice the detail in their environment and tend to reflect before acting.  Sensitive people can be creative, conscientious, analytical, intuitive and caring.  But they can easily become overwhelmed when there is too much information for their “detail-driven” system to process.  Events or activities which are usually considered “fun” can be anxiety provoking for a sensitive child – the sports class, birthday party, or Christmas play.  When these kids become overwhelmed, they might throw a tantrum, whine, cry, withdraw, or develop a mysterious tummy ache.

Most parents of sensitive Children have been on the receiving end of advice from family members, friends, or teachers.  The problem, as they see it, is that the sensitive child has been “mollycoddled” and needs “toughening up”.  Most parents of sensitive children will, at some point, have tried this approach and found it to be lacking.   What sensitive children need, in theory is simple, but in practice can be more challenging: they need to be understood.  Before you dismiss this as the stuff of cheesy TV talk shows, reflect for a minute on what it really means to understand your kids.  Each sensitive child is unique, and as a parent of a sensitive child, you have to get to know your son or daughter as a person – a person perhaps rather different from yourself or from the child you expected to have.  

Once you have understood that your son’s ability to notice the smallest thing that is not to his liking, or your daughter’s tendency to sob uncontrollably over “nothing” is not a failing of theirs or yours but a characteristic of a temperament style, the behavior becomes much easier to handle. Your job is not to make your child less sensitive but to give them the skills they need to manage the challenges that this not-so-sensitive world is going to throw at them.  That means channeling their abilities, helping them to understand their intense emotional experiences and supporting them to take risks.  Sensitive children need firm boundaries and they need to be challenged; as a parent you will have to learn to do this, but with a little more creativity and a lot more patience.  With the right kind of support little Emily probably will go down that slide but if she doesn’t…so what?  

Dr. Anna Moore is a Clinical Psychologist working with TELL, Children and Families and the mother of a sensitive child.  

TELL offers presentations/workshops on temperament style (as well as other issues relevant to children and young people) for schools, parent groups or other interested parties.   If you are interested in finding about more about the services offered by TELL contact Lori Wigmore (Director of Children and Families) or Dr Linda Semlitz (Clinical Director of TELL) on (03) 4550-1146 or visit www.telljp.com.

About Dr. Anna Moore