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Why do most couples stop having sex?

By on December 27, 2010

Photo © Elena Derevtsova

 

Why do most couples stop having sex?  When you are about to start a brand new romantic relationship, do you ever wonder if, at some point down the road, you will cease to have any forms of sexual activity with your partner?  It is a fact that most couples who have been involved in a relationship for quite some time do not have a rapport with each other anymore.  What can trigger such a drastic shift?  How can the highly active and intense sex life that characterizes the lives of most couples at the beginning of their liaison turn into no more sex?  Is it progressive or instantaneous?  Are there any solid justifications that can actually explain what seems to be ineluctably promised to most couples as time goes by? 

 

Can anything really justify boredom?

Most men and women are the ultimate world champions of coming up with volumes of justifications.  They always find a justification for everything.  The consequences of their choices do not matter, since they can instantly justify why they went there in the first place; regardless of the stupidity and the insanity that initially transpired out of their reasoning.  But who cares, as long as they are certain to be right, deep inside their heart.  As you can easily ima-gine, the action that consists in convincing oneself of being right does not really involve much communication.  And when the lack or absence of communication is applied to a relationship, it means that all the other parties involved in the computation are left with no tangible material to instigate a meaningful discussion.  And this is exactly the way so many people choose to operate at home with their partner, once they have taken a decision that pertains to (no more) sex. 

 

The boredom that has progressively eroded the life of a couple tends to be the justification of choice to explain why sex has entirely disappeared from the equation.  Between you and me, how lame is that?  I have always found it pathetic to hear people tell me that they are bored.  “I’m so bored” or “it’s so boring” are such weak statements that reflect an individual’s total powerlessness, by choice.  How masochist and passive someone must be not to leave a relationship in which he or she is bored?  Most people are lazy by nature when it pertains to expanding their own horizons.  So why would we be surprised that they utterly refuse to do the work that is needed to vitalize the relationship and create a new momentum? 

 

I sincerely believe that men and women create boredom, so it gives them an opportunity to judge others in all impunity, while escaping their very own responsibilities.  This is certainly one of the most predominant covert operations in existence inside our society.  Isn’t it so much easier to put all the blame for a given outcome or situation on someone else, anyway?  Isn’t it a strange phenomenon to which we may all have been confronted once in our lives, in the role of the unfortunate recipient of the blame?  Boredom is a choice, not a fatality.  Boredom has strictly nothing do with any social and/or professional statuses.  Yet folks will blame whichever social and/or professional condition or situation they have created to justify how bored they are.  If you are bored, change something!  Do whatever it takes to create a boost in your life!  Sadly, to most it represents way too much work and efforts.  Therefore it is easier to maintain the status quo, stagnate or even regress, while blaming it all on something or someone else. 

 

I cannot believe people who tell me that “things” were so much more fun in the beginning, before slowly but surely becoming absolutely dreadful and monotonous.  The happy reminiscences of the very first dates are always extremely vivid inside their minds.  At the time, adventure and excitement were so easy to seek, and the means utilized to create them oftentimes derisory.  The sex was non-stop, anytime and anywhere.  And then it all stopped. – Well, why continue to make any extra efforts, once the deal has been finalized?  This is the mentality that most men and women embrace, and that ultimately creates their downfall, as individuals inside and outside the relationship.  Once the existence of the relationship is secured, it is finally time to take it for granted.  And that includes taking all the parties involved for gran-ted as well.  The choice to take someone else for granted is the plague of all relationships.  It definitely explains why there are such an overwhelming proportion of horrific romances and marriages out there.  Those are sad, constric-ting and lifeless interactions.  Basically, all the people involved are dead inside a relationship, which has died long before them.

 

Be aware or be square!

When you know that you are stuck in a relationship, where the “flame” has been extinguished for a long time already, and sex is totally absent of the equation, what can you do?  What would you like to do?  An immense majority of people elect to surrender to their situation and continue to live the best they can, by enduring one frustration after the other.  Others have an affair, so the flame they had once experienced with their official partner can hopefully be re-created with a lover.  Of course, those folks have no other choice but to surrender to their original situation once they return home.  Finally, a small fraction of this population chooses to empower itself to move on, alone.  There is no right or wrong solutions.  There is only the option that you embrace, hopefully in full-on awareness of what you require of yourself in the moment.  To be aware may in reality be the most challen-ging piece of the process. However, this too is a choice, which is rarely comfortable to make.  However, the rewards always tend to be magnificent.

 

Sex is viewed as one major measurement that depicts the health of a relationship.  Whether it sounds true to you is another question; however it is a reality in our society.  The question I have pertains to the reasons that explain the total disappearance of all forms of sexual rapport, whereas sex was indeed very much pre-sent at the beginning of the relation.  Why do most couples consider sex as a curve that decreases linearly?  In my world, the frequency with which individuals have sex should be exponential.  Don’t people want to keep on discovering themselves and each other, time after time?  Shouldn’t the excitement, the curiosity and the love that people have for each other continually grow?  It does not seem to be the case.

 

Inside the minds of many individuals, to give up on themselves and their partners is the easiest solution.  But what are the ramifications on a personal level?  Does it contribute to solve any outstanding issues, or does it generate even more inner turmoil?  The latter never seems to matter, since most folks do not go that far in the way they elect to process the potential consequences of a given choice.  And the consequences can be absolutely brutal.  The idea or the thought alone of giving up on oneself instantly creates a spiral of negativity that produces successions of dreadful and horrendous occurrences.  Moreover, after having touched rock-bottom, giving up is more than ever the only option left.  This is why it is utterly crucial to be extremely diligent with all the thoughts that cross your mind.  Unconsciously, some may turn into viewpoints and then inalterable decisions.  To that effect, if you have decided that your partner does not turn you on anymore, you will never be able to see any changes in his or her  behavior  or  appearance.   You  will  be limited to what you have decided your mind could only see.

 

There are men and women who do not like sex.  To them, I strongly suggest that they hang with one another and create relationships with one another.  If they want to have kids, they will simply have to endure what needs to be done for no more than a couple of minutes.  However, I seriously doubt that a relationship can survive between someone who dislikes sex and someone who loves it.  This cannot work.  And it is assuredly a piece of information that you can gather the very first time you have a rapport.  Be very attentive to what your partner says and how he or she reacts to it before, during, and after.  Do not fool yourself by ignoring or suppressing every singe red flag that is waved before you.  Those are true gifts, when they are fully acknowledged!

 

As soon as you take someone for granted, it means that in some twisted ways you also take yourself for granted.  When that is the case, what can you really generate that will bring you pleasure and rewards?  If you have become fully aware that your partner is taking you for granted, you have the choice to instigate a discussion and start working on the issue together.  If he or she refuses to do so, you are empowered to leave.

 

Nicolas Roquefort-Villeneuve is a relationship counsellor and deals with unconventional relationship counseling and C-level consulting. If you have any relationship issues, you may contact nicolas@readytochoose.com  

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