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A look on love

By on February 1, 2011
Do you need the constant reassurance of being loved? If so, don’t have kids, and buy a pet instead!For most individuals, life is a constant struggle that consists of hoping that the person to whom they wish to give all their love will reciprocate. The problem is that it does not necessarily happen that way. The wait, which is likely to be filled with successions of neurotic behaviors, intense desperation, and volumes of assumptions and expectations, is oftentimes excruciatingly long. And the result can generate great disappointments. But it does not matter, because the same dynamics will be re-created until the “right one” has finally bitten the bait and decided to commit to a relationship. Even though the relation may last, it clearly does not signify that the romance will survive. Therefore a trick must be used so the constant reassurance of being loved can subsist. And the trick is commonly to have a kid!

Do some people tend to have kids for the wrong reasons?
When you take a truthful look at the level of the natural resources on our planet, to continue to procreate at today’s rate is not only absolutely selfish but it is also full-on suicidal. What don’t people get when it has now become common knowledge that underground water supplies will have for the most part completely disappeared by 2050? And yet, there are families out there who relentlessly keep on having kids, so they can hold on to their agendas. Agendas are mostly based on the ego trip of the parents. Some need to make sure that their last name will outlast them. Others must do whatever it takes to guarantee the survival of their religion. But for most, there is this utter need to “produce” a human being, who from the get-go will have no other choice but to love them, no matter what.

When a great majority of men and women observe the image that society wants to shove down their throats about what is supposed to resemble the perfect family, they cannot prevent themselves from judging their current (under)achievements. Basically, if you have passed a certain age and you are still not married and you still do not have kids, how can you truly dare to feel complete? Completion is this artifact that has been constructed over the centuries, so individuals would conform to what life is meant to look like. But it is according to whom? If you are older than thirty-five and single, you have failed, per your peers. The sentiment of failure is so horrific, that most people will rush to quickly land a deal, get married and then procreate. This is the path, which has been relentlessly imposed on individuals for ages. It is also the reason behind the fact that so many relationships are dreadful. Anyway, once the final destination is reached, this intense feeling of completion suddenly kicks-in, while simultaneously obstructing any other forms of expansion. Let’s face it: once you have decided that you are indeed complete, what more do you think can come your way? The answer is: nothing!

This insatiable need to feel loved at all times is the assumed assurance that ending up all alone will never occur. Remember, to be alone is certainly viewed as the biggest curse inside our society. And to avoid being alone, one must avoid rejection at all costs. The problem is that the fear of rejection pushes people to take totally insane and unconscious decisions. To this effect, how many times have you heard a friend tell you that having a kid will fix the problems in his or her marriage? I know, that sounds utterly ludicrous. Sadly, such thought depicts the reality that characterizes the lives of many couples out there.
From a very young age, most men and women place many expectations regarding the family they want to have later in life, and that includes the prospect of having kids and how they should turn out. They do not have any yet, but they already know what they want them to become. When reality finally does not match the expectation, disappointment becomes the sole outcome. Then, what is left?Why are kids mostly used as stooges?
A kid that delivers beyond expectations reflects how valuable his or her parents are. The parents of a child who does well in school are viewed as nurturing, caring, and affectionate. On the other side of the spectrum, those of a kid who is failing are instantly subjected to series of judgments, all carrying a negative connotation. Moreover, parents of a child who brings home good grades will see themselves as being successful parents; and those of a kid who cannot elevate his or her GPA above 2.0 will put all the blame on their kid, and discharge themselves of all responsibilities. At the end of the day, the child is used as a measure, and the love that he or she is given greatly depends on his or her position on the measurement scale.

The kid needs to have the same nose and chin as Mom’s and the same cheekbones and eye color as Dad’s. Such debate can eventually turn into a serious fight. It is all about who has more rights over the physical resemblances with the kid. However, this chaos suddenly becomes insignificant as soon as one parent is able to claim that the child has inherited his or her intellectual abilities. Isn’t it what counts after all? What if the kid was free to be and develop the way he or she elects to? I am assuredly not stating that parents should not have any role in the development of their kids; however wouldn’t it be so much more expansive for everybody if the need to relate and make relate at all costs were not that predominant? But won’t kids be more inclined to love the parent who displays the most resemblances? It is all an abject emotional game, and the victim constantly ends up being the young one. The consistent covert strategy is to do whatever it takes, even the most obnoxious, to appropriate oneself the love of the kid. Do not forget that the only person who, supposedly, will continually love you is your child – or so you think! This has to be one of the biggest lies by which so many people choose to function. And it also represents an open door to all forms of abuse, regardless of the degree of perversity, whether it is emotional or physical. Parents assuming that their kids will always love them unconditionally are no different from those who take this love and their kids for granted. And the realization that the kid has recognized the fraud and moved on emotionally can be very sudden and extremely brutal.How can you really be certain of being loved?
There is strictly no assurance in life. Any point of view that differs from the latter will certainly lead you to experience major disappointments. Certainty does not exist. It is a concept that has been relentlessly implanted inside people’s brains, so they continue to wait and see, based on their expectations, while others are taking advantage of the situation to thrive and prosper at their expense. We have no ability to predict the future, exactly as it is going to happen. Some individuals are definitely more intuitive than others; however their intuition addresses broad and general occurrences. So the love that someone is giving you at this very minute may vanish one second, one day, or ten years from now. I believe that most men and women know that for a solid fact, even through they totally refuse to acknowledge it openly. And this certainly explains why there is this constant fear to lose what has already been obtained, hence the need for reassurance that someone will always love them, no matter what.

Ultimately, there is only the willingness to do whatever is required to maintain in existence this one reality that is indeed very much tangible: a healthy relationship with oneself. In other words, love yourself at all times! This is the only love that you will always be sure to be given, since it comes from you. As trivial as it may sound, I challenge you to take a blunt look at the relationship you have generated with your own person. When I ask my clients if they have a superlative relationship with themselves, most of them have the instant reflex to answer “Yes!” quite forcefully. Well, the equation is fairly simple. If you have the sentiment of missing anything in your life, or the feeling that you are missing out on something, it means that you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself. It signifies that you are not content with your own self. When you truthfully love yourself, you do not need anyone or anything to fill a void, simply because there is absolutely no void to be filled.

The major issue is that there is no established authority out there that really encourages individuals to love themselves unconditionally. Every single TV show, commercial, political debate to which we are exposed on a daily basis is a piece of programming that is intended to disgust people with what they intrinsically are. The message that is systematically hammered is a constant reminder that life can only contain voids, which must be filled with artifacts to create a quick fix, so individuals can have the sensation that they finally fit in, before crashing again, harder and lower every single time.

Only you hold the key to your happiness. No one else does.

Nicolas Roquefort-Villeneuve is a relationship counsellor and deals with unconventional relationship counseling and C-level consulting. If you have any relationship issue, e-mail nicolas@readytochoose.com www.readytochoose.com

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