Home   >   Blogs   >   What did you do to make Daddy so mad?

What did you do to make Daddy so mad?

By on January 30, 2018

Those few lines depict a reality that is extremely chilling.

It may not be your reality.

However, it accurately describes the life what too many women endure on a daily basis. And these women are torn between the need to survive inside an abusive relationship and the programming to which they have been confronted and that gives them no other choice but to feel emotionally stuck. This programming consists in trusting that the love they have for their children matches the love their children have for them. I think that embracing such a belief is a terrible mistake. It is undeniably dangerous to assume that the love a mother has for her child can be reciprocated so naturally. What follows is certainly not about sugar-coating a societal truth. Therefore, if you are ready to immerse yourself inside the complexity of a very uncomfortable subject and deconstruct without judgments what your image of the perfect family is, feel free to continue reading.

Why isn’t love so naturally reciprocated?

Have you noticed that most individuals consistently express the utter need to takes sides? Why should we be surprised, anyway? Isn’t it what we have all been taught since our early childhood? Haven’t we been programmed to side with those that society judges are the strongest, the smartest or the richest? Haven’t we been conditioned to conform to what the common denominator says and thinks, even if it is excruciatingly constricting and narrow-minded? Even though the latter may not fit your personal value system, it certainly does not infer that your kids have chosen to model their thoughts after yours. To assume that they have will hit you with sadness and incomprehension sooner or later. If the two sets of beliefs do not match, an overwhelming sentiment of failure will prevail. And one way out will consist in denying your painful realizations. Denial is a powerful and contagious tool. To be in denial of one area of your life is likely to expand to all other areas of your existence. The problem is that it becomes very difficult to become aware of the extensiveness of the damages, unless you miraculously choose to wake up, one day. But the awakening is so brutal that reverting back to those old destructive patterns immediately looks like the only viable alternative.

There are kids who bluntly witness the physical and/or emotional exactions that one of their parents perpetrates on the other, without budging. Why such a shocking passivity when the unacceptable is occurring right before their eyes? In an attempt to protect itself from its horrendous dullness, the common denominator uses fear as its justification of choice. Fear may indeed be a valid reason, but up to which point? There are many individuals who are now adults and who are very much aware that such exactions are still happening. And again, there is no sense of reaction to protect the vulnerable one. Instead, they take the side of the perpetrator of the abuse. And they do so because it serves an agenda that is most of the time motivated by what they can get out of the perpetrator. Why striving to support the weaker one when there is absolutely nothing that can be gained from maintaining such a position? As a result, the child is better off burying his or her head in the sand to give his or her agenda the highest probability to succeed.

Doesn’t it sound totally insane and illogical that the love you have for your child is not automatically reciprocated? Shouldn’t you at least get in return what you give? I am sure that you have already felt shortchanged, even thought it was way too cruel and disappointing to acknowledge it. How many times have you been tempted to say, “After everything I have done for you!” in an attempt to feed a need for such reciprocity? Actually, the willingness to reciprocate may never have been there. Were you too blind to realize it? Was it clashing with those values that helped you construct the image of how the perfect and happy family is supposed to look like? Well it is always time to take an honest look at all those thoughts which are at the source of your truths, because they may drastically diverge from what reality is. Let’s face it, you may see yourself as a mother or a father, but your child may solely see you as someone who can be disposed of in case a better opportunity should arise with someone else. This sounds unfair, immoral and unscrupulous but it properly depicts what happens inside so many people’s minds.

Is the sense of duty your biggest trap?

As a parent, is it your duty to love your children, no matter what? The problem is that any other answers than “Yes, of course!” would automatically make you the worst human being in existence. Therefore, this is a no-choice scenario. You are cornered at all times. You need to comply with what you have been taught, which is the obligation to love your own kids simply because they are your kids. There cannot be any other alternatives. It is an obligation that the law of nature has imposed on you. There is no way out. As a parent, you must love your children, regardless of what your children think of you and how your children treat you. Even though you are responsible for them until they reach the age of majority, should you continue entertaining such an emotional masquerade once they have become adults and are still in denial of the poor treatments you have been receiving over the years?

Remember, people take sides because they are motivated by an agenda that they need to fulfill at all costs. If a kid’s abusive father controls the money and this money is needed to pay the college tuitions, the kid is likely to side with his dad and completely obliterate the fact that the mom is being severely abused, emotionally and/or physically. If you are shocked about what I just wrote and you are rushing to affirm that kids do not always know what is going on, allow me to warn you: please, do not underestimate the abilities that kids have, simply because you have elected to suppress your own talents of perception for the sake your convenience. After all, isn’t it so handy to persuade yourself that any dreadful interactions you may have with your partner will not necessarily affect your kids, as long as you remain discreet and are able to hide the dreadfulness of your relationship from them? If you believe that this is working, I would strongly suggest that you think differently. Your kids see and feel everything. Ultimately, they may elect to suppress such abilities once they have realized that this has become their parents’ unique way of dealing with issues. This is when modeling oneself after someone else’s behaviors represents the start of an empty life. And we are surrounded by men and women who live empty lives.

What prevents you from seeing your kids for who they really are? Is it the fear of having to face the fact that all those high expectations you had constructed around your life have never been met? Are you afraid to realize that you have failed your child? Are you resenting the fact that you may have failed yourself as well in the process? When you take a blunt look at it, are you truthfully responsible for the behavior that your kids have adopted? Is it your fault if your child does not protect you, even if you have nothing else to offer in return but your sincere love and gratitude? And should you continue to blindfold yourself once he or she has become an adult and still refuses to admit your sufferings? The sacrosanct preservation and protection of the family’s sanctuary is a mirage. It is even more utopistic when abuse characterizes what the relationship is. How many people elect to ignore what is really happening under the pretense that they are doing so to protect their families? They are only concerned with protecting themselves from being judged for their stupid choices. They refuse to admit that they are dead wrong. Therefore, they prefer to maintain the status quo, endure, and be the ones for whom no one really cares. This situation is highly satisfactory to them.

Duty is an obligation. When you feel that you are obligated, can you really see through other people’s intentions? Moreover, can you really see through the pertinence or the total aberration of your own choices?

I have worked with way too many abused women who were confronted to the sad realization that their children, once adults, were continuing to ignore their intense emotional and/or physical sufferings; these kids were siding with their fathers to fill a scrupulous agenda. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge such a situation. It also takes a lot of courage to step up to the plate and realize that something beautiful can still happen in life. It requires guts to leave a situation and start fresh, regardless of other people’s judgments, including the children’s.

Nothing is ever too late.

 

About Nicolas Roquefort-Villeneuve