Home   >   Feng Shui for living   >   Giving your teens a room to grow

Giving your teens a room to grow

By on October 31, 2012
Aging isn’t easy – the term ‘growing pains’ describes an actual physical and emotional reality. Moving into different phases of our lives requires shifts in perception and habit. Teenage years are particularly challenging, as the identity and physical form we have only just begun being familiar with starts to change, potentially leaving the individual confused. The tween-to-teen’s room needs some significant adjustments as well, and this can make the transition from childhood to adulthood a more comfortable one.

One of the first things that needs to shift is the bed. Whether parents like it or not, a child becoming a teen should be developing an interest in relationships. As such, the bed should move from the side-supported position best suited to young children to that of an adult, with the side of the bed no longer against a wall for comfort but rather with the headboard aligned to the wall and the bed extending into the room itself. (It is best located under a windowless wall and located perpendicular to the door rather than straight on.)

As much stress as their starting to date might cause their parents, teens need a space that supports this opening. Keeping the side of the bed against the wall breeds a pattern of singularity that can be hard to break. Even if they are in a single bed, they start to open up to the natural instinct to partner. This doesn’t mean they will be inviting lovers over right away, though you will need to have ground rules that cover such eventualities.

Children’s interests alter as they begin to mature and so should the objects in their home. Easy-Bake ovens and car racetracks might become less of an interest – or not. It is important to honour and respect a child’s unique rate of transition, so don’t force them to throw out their childhood toys immediately; that said, one wants to be mindful of not clinging too much to the familiar past. Too fast a break from known comforts can be shocking, while too long a crossover period can lead to delayed maturation (the effects of the latter being clearly visible in Japanese society).

The fact is that we never truly let go of some of our childhood attachments (we are all spiritually the same age inside), but we should celebrate those that we do release by ditching the representative objects. While the odd favourite doll or toy can be good for the early teen to keep, it is important to encourage your child to make decisions as to what to keep and what not – without an antagonistic ‘you’re too old for that, get rid of it right now.’ Donating to less fortunate children can be a wonderful way to inspire them to give away toys, as they can see the benefits of their going to someone who will truly honour and appreciate them. I see far too many adults with stuffed animals in their rooms – these can become an emotional security blanket that become a relationship substitute, inhibiting the development of a vulnerability appropriate for romantic partnering.

Colours relate to emotional states and are therefore vital for burgeoning adults learning to tune into and express their feelings. All too often, however, young people use a single colour or two as a replacement for more appropriate emotional expressiveness. One such case is the blue (or black) bedroom often favoured by teens: blue/black walls, sheets, or curtains usually leads to marinating in one’s emotions rather than expressing them clearly. These deep-toned walls indicate the magnitude of emotion some teens feel as they transition to adulthood; they usually resist changing the colour because doing so would seem to invalidate an emotional tone that has become primary in their lives. Such oppressive shades, however, inhibit the evolution of the capacity to express emotion fluently and usually results in islanding and stagnation.

A student of mine recently reported that the teen years she spent in a blue environment were particularly emotionally taxing. This doesn’t mean you should go to the opposite end of the spectrum: too much red can lead to explosive anger and impulsive bursts of frustration (another student in the same class confirmed that this had been her experience). A balanced variety of tones can help transitioning adults ground their emotional palette.
 
Parents also need to change things in the home to assist their children’s development. Baby pictures should no longer occupy pride of place: continuing to display images showing your teen when they were a young child keeps outdated relationship dynamics front and center. ‘You always treat me like a kid’ is an oft-heard complaint, and yet at the same time they are told to ‘Grow up’ and ‘Act your age’ – conflicting messages considering the photos on show. They find the transition hard enough without being reminded of who they once were, especially as their expanding bodies lead them to break past other perceived limitations. Newer photos of them individually and with family members – without going overboard, which usually leads to embarrassment – can encourage them to feel more comfortable with who they are and in the family dynamic.

May your teens’ transition to adulthood be seamless and enjoyable.

Mark Ainley is a Contemporary Feng Shui Consultant and Emotional Stress Consultant living in Vancouver. A former 5-year resident of Tokyo, Mark consults with clients internationally to help them design living and work spaces in alignment with their goals. He also provides consulting in emotional stress management, as well as in the connection between facial structure and innate behavioural and communication patterns. He can be reached through his website: www.markainley.com

About Mark Ainley

Mark Ainley is a Contemporary Feng Shui Consultant and Emotional Stress Consultant living in Vancouver. A former 5-year resident of Tokyo, Mark consults with clients internationally to help them design living and work spaces in alignment with their goals. He also provides consulting in emotional stress management, as well as in the connection between facial structure and innate behavioural and communication patterns. He can be reached through his website: www.senseofspace.com and www.markainley.com.