- Belgium comes to Yamashita Park
- Residential Villa in Phuket Entices Remote Workers With Long-Stay Rates
- Rare pieces of French glass art at the Mirai Museum of Art
- Feast on fresh fish and seafood at the 2024 ‘Sakana’ Festival
- Would you like to ride in a Louis Vuitton gondola lift?
- Naked Snow Aquarium
- Festive lights at Yomiuriland will get you feeling the holiday vibes
Is your sibling your friend?
There are many reasons for division between siblings, some of which originate during their growing up years or are due to factors that no one has any control over. For example, there is birth order to consider and the way that each child feels as a result of his or her position in the family. The age gap between siblings can affect their relationship and added to this, the age and time of life at which parents had each. Siblings, despite being raised by the same parents, may have very different personalities, temperaments and outlooks on life. They may just not be compatible. The dynamics at home can affect sibling relationships too. One child may identify more with angry, resentful mom, for example, and the other may have a special place in her heart for dear dad who she perceives as being belittled and down trodden. This division within the family may be played out by the siblings – when they are young and even as they grow into adults – with each defending the other parent’s position. Parents, tell your children that you appreciate their help but that mom and dad can ght their own battles.
You may wonder if working on family dynamics, exploring how you model resolving issues in relationships with your adult siblings, and changing some of your behaviour towards your children’s battles will ensure that everything will go according to plan. Not entirely, but the odds will be increased. Even siblings with different temperaments can agree to disagree. Sometimes they don’t always like or are disappointed in the other, but there’s an increased likelihood of them being able to work through this so long as parents don’t try to enforce love and affection and a feeling that to love one’s sibling is a responsibility or obligation.
Other factors that affect how well or poorly your children get along – now and later – include what you say to each about or in front of the other. Even telling one child how much better behaved he is than his brother or con ding in one child about how frustrated you are with her sister can lead to no good. The better behaved child may not appreciate being put on a pedestal and the message he gets is that his brother is inferior. Con ding in a child about his sibling puts him in a difcult position. If you want to create a strong alliance between siblings, then let them be
on the same team.
When your child is frustrated with her sibling and comes to tell you about it, try not to take sides. Instead, encourage each of them to work it out together. Let them know that you have con dence that they can. And when they’re struggling and share mean words with you about the other, listen and acknowledge but try not to pass judgement or put a band aid on it. Instead of “don’t say that about your sister. She didn’t mean what she said and you should love her,” rather say something like “you’re angry and frustrated with your sister and don’t want to be around her right now. But I know you can work it out later.”
Although your intentions to help your children work things out when they are young are honourable, consider that you may be robbing them of the opportunity to work through their issues. Allow them to work things out (not just when they are young, but when they are adults too ) – not for you, but because they want to. Often siblings grudgingly work things out when their parents are alive because they don’t want to disappoint or upset them. Then, when the parents pass away, the sibling relationship falls apart.
So, the next time your children are ghting, think about short term pain for long term gain and keep in mind that your intervention may actually result in quite the opposite of what you’re hoping for.
Sara Dimerman has been an individual, couple and family therapist for over twenty years. She is one of North America’s most trusted parenting and relationship experts and the author of three books – ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’, ‘Character Is the Key’ and a book for couples – ‘How can I be your Lover when I’m Too Busy Being your Mother?’ Visit www.helpmesara.com and follow Sara on Twitter @helpmesara