”Even healthy marriages are vulnerable to infidelity,”

By on March 9, 2015
warns noted psychologist, parenting expert, author and relationship counselor Sara Dimerman at a seminar she gave last week entitled ‘Married Sex- How to fan the fizzling flame!’ She penned a new book dedicated to couples who want a fulfilling relationship. Tokyo families catches up with her to find out more.

Congratulations to the launching of your new book!  What inspired you to write about something couples are too shy to talk about?
You’re right that many couples are shy in that they have a difficult time broaching the topic or feel awkward discussing it. However, that’s more reason that they need to read the book and use it as a springboard for discussion about what’s missing in their relationship. If they still have a hard time, or are afraid of the consequences of raising the issue, then speaking to a professional – alone or together, is a good idea. I was inspired to write the book after hearing hundreds of stories from clients and others, over the past twenty five years, about how many of them were living in sexless marriages – that is, having sex with one another ten or less times a year.

Japan’s Family Planning Association reports that around 49.3% of 3,000 people polled in Japan had not had sex in the last month.  21.3 % of men attributes this to being too tired after work while 15.7% of respondents replied that sex is no longer interesting after their wives gave birth.  Women on the other hand think sex as “annoying.”   Having counselled couples for years, would you say it’s possible to keep the marriage and love alive without having sex?  Why so?
Yes, anything’s possible, but without “good” sex and intimacy, an important part of what constitutes a romantic relationship is missing. Without it, the couple is more likely to feel like roommates. So, the relationship may still be loving and caring, but love takes on a different meaning. The love that most people want in a romantic relationship goes beyond just caring for one another. And especially if one or both of the partners feels that physical contact and intimacy is important, then the relationship they had hoped for may become more dead than alive.

What was the most difficult part of writing the book?
The most difficult part of writing any book is gathering all the research, figuring out what is most relevant  and then thinking about the best way to put it all together to share with your readers. Thankfully, editors come in very handy through this process as its often hard to step aside from your work and see it as objectively as an editor does. I didn’t find anything difficult when writing about the content – on the contrary, I found it interesting and enjoyable to write about and I feel I grew as a person because of it too.

In your book, you wrote about the dynamics that lead married men or women into having a relationship outside marriage despite the risks involved in breaking their bond. Tell us why this happens and how could couples possibly nip their issues in the bud before the unexpected occurs?
As I write in the book, even healthy marriages are vulnerable to infidelity. How can one compare to the excitement and fresh newness of another person? Marriages that are not as healthy are even more vulnerable because one or both partners needs may not being met. Hostility and resentment may be chronic. One or both partners might feel undesired or unappreciated. The best option is for either or both of the partners to be honest and to let his or her partner know when the relationship is no longer meeting his or her needs or when she or he feels the inclination to look elsewhere. Then, at least, they have an opportunity to try to make it better.

What can readers expect from  the book?
Readers can expect to learn the real reasons why couples are not having sex. Then, once these have been uncovered, they can expect to learn how to get back on track, how to spice up their relationship and how to communicate about what is working and what might not be working as well. They will also learn about what infidelity is, the reasons it happens and the consequences of engaging in being unfaithful before deciding to take that step. The book was released on February 24, 2015 and readers may be able to get the book online on a Canadian site or have a Canadian resident buy it off the shelves and send it their way.

Available on amazon.ca CDN$17.99 (paperback) and kindle edition CDN$11.99

Expert-Advice-from-HelpMeSaraSara Dimerman, Dip.C.S.
Psychologist & Author
Help me Sara
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Check out Sara’s books

        www.lovermotherbook.com           www.characteristhekey.com



About Sara Dimerman (aka HelpMeSara)

Sara Dimerman has been an individual, couple and family therapist for over twenty years. She is one of North America’s most trusted parenting and relationship experts and the author of three books – ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’, ‘Character Is the Key’ and a book for couples – ‘How can I be your Lover when I’m too Busy Being your Mother?’ Learn more or listen to advice from Sara and her colleagues by searching for ‘helpmesara’ podcasts on iTunes or by visiting www.helpmesara.com. Check out her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/saradimermanhelpmesara or follow Sara on Twitter @helpmesara.