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How to answer non-stop questions

By on December 12, 2016

Are you ready, parents? Because here they come, the non-stop questions you’ve just been dying to answer:

“Mommy, when will I have fluff on my butterfly?”

“Dad, why does my penis stick out sometimes?”

“I know you grew me in your tummy, Mama, but how EXACTLY did I get there, and how did I get out?”

This last one sprang from the lips of my 4½ -year-old son, who had heard at pre-school that babies grew up from the ground. “You know, Daddy plants a seed in Mommy’s garden. So can we go plant a seed outside and grow a little brother?” he wondered.

My first instinct was to offer him some chocolate (it was 8:30 AM).

Let’s face it: sex talks are difficult, even excruciating, for many parents. But when your child broaches the subject, it’s time to suck up your discomfort and forge ahead, says Sara Dimerman, child and family therapist and author of many parenting books.

“When they ask that kind of question, they’re ready to hear a proper answer,” she says. “It’s really important to answer at an age-appropriate level, but also accurately.  If you say you’ll tell them later, they’re going to try and get that information somewhere else, and often, that information is going to be inaccurate.”

Five- and six-year-olds are very curious about themselves and others, “but not really in the form of sex per se, more in the form of interest in genitals, and a little bit about where do babies come from,” Dimerman says.

So how should I have answered my son’s question?

“Inside Daddy’s penis is sperm, and inside Mommy’s body is an egg. When Daddy puts his penis into Mommy’s vagina, the sperm travels inside to the egg and the baby is formed,” suggests Dimerman, who advises parents to use the proper names for penis and vagina.

“We don’t want children to be ashamed of these body parts any more than they would be about a hand or a leg,” she explains. “The child could get the message that the parent isn’t using the proper word because it’s dirty or inappropriate.”

If you don’t know what to say, let someone else say it for you: pick up a couple of books or DVDs and use them as springboards for further discussion, says Dimerman. “Then you know you can rely on the expert, who has done the research for the appropriate words and messages.”

By age seven and eight, notes Dimerman, children are exposed to scenes of intimacy between their role models on TV and in movies. “Watching series like Hannah Montana, where there’s innuendo if not blatant stuff, they’re going to be more aware of intimate relationships between boys and girls.”

Dimerman adds that most kids think sex means kissing and cuddling. “They don’t understand the procreation part or the penis-in-the-vagina part, and most seven- and eight-year-olds would get kind of get grossed out by that information. But it’s important for them to know, so that they can use the word sex appropriately.”

Julie Pound*, a mom of three daughters aged four, seven and 10, grew up in a very open household. “My mother was always very candid about sex and that was the way I wanted to be with my children,” she recalls.

When Pound’s oldest daughter was three, “she asked how she came out of my tummy and we told her exactly how,” she recalls. “As long as the answers satisfied her curiosity and were truthful, we didn’t offer more.  As she grew older, she required more detail, which we were happy to provide.”

A few years later, Pound read Peter Mayle’s book Where Did I Come From to her child, which provoked many questions.

“Kids talk to each other: at school, at camp, at recess. I had friends who skirted the issue when the kids asked, but I wanted my kids to hear (the information) from me first,” she recalls. “Sex is everywhere, and they are going to find out whether we like it or not.”

Pound and her husband share ‘sex talk’ duties. “It’s important that (our kids) feel comfortable talking about sex with either one of us. I don’t think it should be a scary talk.  It should scare you more to think about what their friends are going to tell them.”

Since school boards vary wildly on when schools begin teaching sex education to children, it’s probably best not to wait for your child’s teacher to introduce the topic. Dimerman says the most important thing is to keep talking. “It’s been shown that in homes where there is open discussion about sex and sexuality, there’s actually less chance of your children being promiscuous,” notes Dimerman. “In homes where it’s inhibited and kept under wraps, it becomes like forbidden fruit, where children need to unlock that somewhere else.”

Pound adds, “We owe it to our kids to be honest; they’ll appreciate it and come to us in the future when there are bigger issues to discuss.”

Don’t know where to start? Try these:

• Download Healthy Chats’ free e-book, The Birds and the Bees with Ease by Dr. Chrystal de Freitas.  http://www.healthychats.com/?ebook

• Boys, Girls & body Science: A First Book about Facts of Life by Meg Hickling and Kim LaFave

• It’s NOT the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley

• Where Do Babies Come From? by Ruth S. Hummel and Janice Skivington

• What’s the Big Secret? Talking About Sex with Girls and Boys by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

About Wendy Helfenbaum