The Importance of Selfish Lovers for a Selfless Union

By on January 30, 2018

Can you be selfish and still have a great relationship?

There is an inherently negative reaction people give when they hear the word “Selfish”. After all, being selfish means you only think about your own wants and desires and put everybody else’s last on your Totem Pole, right? However, there can be a positive side to pursuing selfish goals and desires, even when it comes to your romantic relationship.

Healthy relationship requires two people who listen, communicate, show respect, love, and have fun together. Not people who only look out for themselves or go on ego-trips. So, can being selfish really have great results? We’re looking at the importance of selfish lovers for a selfless union.

The Wrong Way to Be Selfish in a Relationship

There is a right way and a wrong way to be selfish in a romantic relationship. When done wrong, your relationship will crash and burn, leaving your partner emotionally scarred. Here are three ways that being selfish will ruin your relationship.

  1. Selfish Communicator

This is someone who has one-sided conversations. For relationships to be functional and healthy they need to have two parties who value the other’s thoughts and feelings. Someone who is incapable of listening or understanding situations from their partner’s perspective makes for a terrible mate. If you are selfish and one-sided with your communication, be prepared to have a lot of arguments.

  1. Selfish in the Bedroom

Of course, there’s a certain element of thinking just about yourself during sex – there has to be! After all, you want to be pleasured and have a good time. But you need to think of your partner’s experience as well.

Sex should involve both partners reaching an orgasm, no matter how long it takes to get there. Selfish lovers only look out for their own pleasure and aren’t bothered to take care of their partner’s emotional and physical needs in the bedroom.

  1. Selfish Choices:

It goes without saying that a relationship is a two-way street built on trust, communication, and fidelity. A prime example of being a selfish lover who makes selfish choices would be being unfaithful to your partner. When cheating on your mate you’re only thinking of your own wants, desires, and pleasures, instead of thinking how your actions will hurt your mate and your relationship. Another avenue of selfish desire is overdrinking or creating bad habits such as smoking or drug abuse. These choices not only affect the happiness in your relationship, but negatively affect your health as well.

The Right Way to Be Selfish in a Relationship

When done right, your selfish pursuits can actually strengthen your bond with your partner and make your time together much more fulfilling. This certainly doesn’t mean that as a selfish lover you get to do whatever you like without consulting your mate. It means knowing the outcome of your pursuits will benefit you both in the long run. Here are the right ways to be selfish in a relationship.

  1. Selfish in Bed… Sort Of

Above,  we stressed how being selfish between the sheets can be a bad thing. After all, who wants to sleep with a selfish lover? However, females especially, need to assert their selfish side in the bedroom to make sure they are being taken care of. If you are naturally inclined to be a “giver,” your main concern may be your partner’s satisfaction – and that’s great, so long as you’re getting some too. The healthy way of being selfish in bed means making sure both you and your partner understand what it’s going to take to bring you both to an orgasm. You should also let your partner know what you like and don’t like in bed so that you can feel more comfortable getting busy.

  1. Saying “No” to Things

If your mate wants you both to go out with friends but you’re exhausted and know you won’t be good company, it’s okay to say “no”. In fact, there are plenty of things that it’s okay to say “no” to: the wrong job offer; indecent sexual proposals from friends or associates.

You may be the type of person who says “Yes!” to offers and opportunities because you feel obliged to, but by saying yes to everything, you may end up burning out before you can accomplish any of your responsibilities. It may feel like you’re being selfish, but learning to say “no” to things will actually help create a healthy, balanced relationship.

  1. Traveling Alone

Travel broadens the mind. Many people find that traveling solo can be especially life-changing since it forces you to go outside your comfort zone and spend some time in your own head. Having marvelous experiences and trying new things by yourself may sound selfish, but traveling alone can actually humble you, increase compassion, help you de-stress, teach you to be decisive, and have you coming back home to your partner as a more well-balanced person.

  1. Spending Time Alone

Bonding with your partner through dates and intimate time together is an important key to keeping a healthy, lasting relationship, but both of you need to take out time for yourselves as well. It may sound selfish to say that you’re spending your free time solo, but it is equally as important for you both to pursue your own hobbies. Not only will this help you remember who you are as an individual, it also gives you some much needed time to recharge.

  1. Saying “Yes” to Opportunities

Being a selfish lover also means saying “yes” to special opportunities, even if it seems like it might be putting your mate out. For example, taking a great new job even though it may require a lot of changes. It may seem selfish to move your partner across the country for a new job, but if you have talked it out and know that your choice will lead to financial stability and work-related benefits, then, it is a selfish pursuit worth going after.

About Rachel Pace

Rachael Pace is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is a featured writer for, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.

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